Tag: advice

Relationships: The Worst Thing A Woman Can do to a Man

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wire-telegram-relationship-break-up

Men don’t go crazy unless there’s an underlying mental illness. It’s mostly because of intimate relationships and it’s troubles. Also, men are hardwired to look for solutions even when there are none and give up everything for the sake of their women, even if they’re downright evil.

A close friend of mine had this happen to him. Being in a relationship with a girl who was a little elder to him, he thought he would eventually end up with her. The girl battered his ego consistently, hurt him everyday with belittling words like ugly or repulsive. Trust me, this guy is really good looking yet here he was with someone who didn’t appreciate the things he used to do. I’ve been told he’s slept in bus stations. He travelled far to meet her and when he turned up in the city, she didn’t turned up.

The thing that really broke him was the constant flirting around with other men, in his presence. None of us can stand that shit. Here he was, still trying to get her to notice him. I can’t even start to imagine the battering my self respect would take in such situations. Yet, he stuck through. Although my question is always WHY, he couldn’t have answered it because psychologically the victim of mental/emotional abuse starts becoming dependent on the abuser. It gets hard to step away. He caught her in the club dancing with other men and she had told him the general, “I’ll be at home, sleeping.”

He has tried to cut himself. Fought with his parents, almost ran away from home and his insecurities had jacked up so much, any girl he came in contact with basically were driven away. The insecurities of a man being mentally abused are hard to take care of. They need to be addressed with utmost care. Otherwise they shatter like a thin piece of glass. His life had ended, he saw no way out of it. She made him a snarky, miserable image of his former self. Eventually, after three years he realized what she was doing to him and broke up with her completely. I’m just glad they never reached the marriage stage.

What my friend was, jerky with insecurities to what he is now, is a huge difference. He has now blossomed into a beautiful individual, knows what he wants out of himself and his relationships. When I see someone flourishing with self respect, it makes me happy. I can just watch him like that and fill myself with happiness.

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Lessons People Most Often Learn Too Late in Life

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Most people follow the crowd.

They go to the same colleges everybody else goes to.

They’re applying for the same internships everybody else does.

They’re trying to land the same dream job everybody else is trying to land.

They buy the same cell phone, gadgets or whatever everybody else buys.

They want to buy houses in the same area everybody else wants to buy their houses.

They buy the same cars everybody else is buying.

So the competition gets tougher and tougher every single day. More and more people all around the globe start following the crowd. And they all want exactly the same things.

So the demand for a limited amount of jobs and assets increases every day. And with it the prices. Or the required skills for that job. The competition gets bigger and bigger. And there are no geographic boundaries to that competition any longer.

Still, most people want their kids to follow that path. They want their kids to be like them. To follow their lead. And their lead is, will and always has been to follow the crowd.

They just don’t know any better. Our parents don’t know any better. It worked for them a few decades ago. So they think it still works today. Until they realize that it doesn’t.

We follow the crowd because we don’t know any better. Because everybody told us to follow the crowd. That following the crowd will lead to a good career. A happy family. And a happy life.

Unfortunately, following the crowd got too crowded over the past few years.
It doesn’t really work anymore to just follow the crowd. It might still work for the top 1% though. But not just the top 1% of your city or country.

We’re now talking about the top 1% OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. The top 1% of the entire world wants exactly the same stuff you want. And all the others want it as well, of course. That job. That house. That happy family.

So you’re competing with all of them. And the top 1% are going to make it. They are the ones who are going to get it. They’ll get it all.

Are you among them? Are you among the top 1%? Globally? I don’t know.. whatever that top 1% might really mean. If it really means anything these days..

What I know for sure though is that I’m definitely not among them. If I’m lucky I might be a good average. That’s why I try to not follow the crowd anymore. Its gotten way too crowded. With way too many smart people.

People a lot smarter than me. I just wouldn’t be able to compete. And I don’t want to..

So I decided to not follow the crowd any longer. I decided to fill in the blanks instead. Well, first I started looking for the blanks. And then I started filling the blanks. The ones I thought needed to be filled. There’s no manual out there on how to find them. Or how to fill them.

That’s why filling the blanks is so tough. That’s why no one does it. That’s why everyone is following the crowd. To find the blanks is almost impossible. It takes many, many years to find that one blank. That one blank you might be able to fill.

It’s possible. But you need to find your blank first. And then you need to fill it.

Filling the blank happens at the intersection of finding something that nobody else is doing (or just a few people), something the world, people or corporations desperately need and something you really enjoy doing.

So is filling the blanks equal to following your passion?

No, not really. Because no one might need your passion. If you’re lucky your passion is something in need. Something people are willing to pay money for. And something no one else is doing, yet. But chances are quite slim that your passion is the same like the blank you could fill.

And once you found that blank you need to give yourself the time and permission to become really, really good at it. That’s a very important part people like to ignore.

And while you’re trying to become really, really good at it you shouldn’t quit your day job.You shouldn’t quit your day job if you didn’t check all of the above boxes. Or you should. I don’t know you. I don’t know what works for you and what doesn’t.

So instead of following the crowd, instead of competing with the crowd, try to find the blank you could fill. And once you found it, start filling it. Until you’ve become so good at it that it might pay the bills one day.

Maybe it will never pay the bills. And if it never does, you can still try the other stuff..

5 Lessons People Most Often Learn Too Late in Life

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  1. Life is short. Everyone knows the end is inevitable but few realize how close we are the day we are born. Realizing “Life is Short” will promote the appropriate sense of urgency. Start your bucket list at birth if you want to complete it. You only have one life and there’s not much time left in it.
  2. Get it Done Young. The sooner you accomplish your goals, the longer you can reap the rewards. Graduating college at 40 leaves fewer years to enjoy the salary increase. Buying a house young, pay it off earlier. Children, the sooner you have them the more time you get with them.
  3. Take Care of Your Body. The aging process will wreak havoc on your body regardless. Don’t assist the process with bad habits like smoking, drinking, overeating and avoiding exercise.
  4. Start Saving Money Early. Compound interest is your best friend but you have to start early to make it work. The Concept Of Compounding. If you save $50 per month at age 21, with a modest 5% interest rate, you will have about $80,000 at age 60. If you start at 39, you will have half as much.
  5. The Things that Matter Most Won’t for Long! This is a hard lesson. That band you start at 18 will be forgotten by age 25. That company you devote your life to will lay you off at the drop of a hat. I cannot stress enough this lesson. That BMW will eventually be worthless. When you are 50 it will not matter what you drove at 35. You cannot buy enough stuff that doesn’t matter to make you happy. Try to make every decision after answering, “Does it REALLY matter?”

The Lowest Point of My Life

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There are few things that can qualify for this, but I am going to talk about the time with my friend Anshu Gupta, in the first year of our college life.

This is not a eulogy, don’t consider it to be one, because I am sure he won’t like it.

Let me begin from the start, I knew Anshu from standard 10th and we became good friends in class 11. He was a brilliant, cheerful, and most of all humble guy with the worst handwriting in the world. I have had people tell me that my writing is illegible, but he was certainly much worse than me, which made me feel slightly better. He was a skilled right winger, and a good batsman/bowler. There was nobody that I knew till then who was as good at mathematics as he was. We would ask him, “Hey, Anshu what is the 24th root of 196 to two decimal places”, and he would work it out in less than a minute. Correctly. He was full of optimism. We were all prepping for JEE and I asked him, once when we were studying together, what would happen if we didn’t get selected? He replied, “We’ll try next year”. I asked what if we didnt get selected the next year too. And he laughed at me and said, ” C’mon! ANYONE can get selected in 2 years, don’t underestimate yourself.” That was the kind of person that he was.

I clearly remember the first time he fainted on the football field. Hauntingly so, it was I who tackled him. I also, being the idiot that I was (and am), boasted of the fact that I had caused him to lose consciousness. I didn’t know then that those words would come back to torture me someday.

I remember the time we all went to Campion school for our Brilliant Tests and the desperately fought football matches during the lunch time between tests. I remember the fights and the discussions regarding football and practically everything that exists on this planet. I remember his most oft-repeated lines, the tunes of “Roobaroo” the Rang-Dey-Basanti song(his favorite) and his unrhythmic rendition of it that we all used to make fun of, I remember the celebration when we all found out we were all going to be in IIT Kharagpur. I keep remembering and the memories keep coming… they are rich in detail and almost make me forget the loss.

Anshu was at NSS camp where he played cricket on a hot summer day.
He collapsed as he had done so many times before as well. There was no emergency services for miles.  I remember the day as never before now. The frantic phone calls from friends , the running to B.C.Roy Hospital  and trying to get things organised ,watching him being carried inside, trying to scream some life into him, trying to talk to his father while everybody else around me was hysterical. He survived long enough to be taken to the hospital at IIT Kharagpur and we watched from the window to the OR as the doctors tried to revive him, in vain.

Have you ever have had a cracker explode too near your ear? The whole inside of your brain goes numb and there is a strange solemn silence among the chaos.  Like a spear that has been thrust so fast and true, that the pain is still to come. Like ice and fire.

I know my pain is nothing as compared to what his family and relatives may have felt. Maybe I had not even felt a fraction of there suffering. I know this, that was the day I lost a very good friend. A friend I would have had for life. A friend I would have gladly been there for.

Often, in times of despair, the thought occurs, could I have done something to save him, I ask and I ask and I keep asking; but there is no answer. Could he have done something to save himself, again there is that numbing silence.

That was one of the lowest points of my life.

May the Almighty give peace to his soul.
May the Almighty give peace and solace to his family.
Amen

What is Something Men Need to Understand?

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1.) There is ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME in showing emotions, men cry too.

2.) There is NO CORRELATION whatsoever between having a college degree and being successful in life, the latter requires more than just acing your subjects.

3.) Choose someone NOT JUST on the criteria of physical attraction. Lust fades, love steadies itself, what makes a long-term relationship work is mutual compatibility and trust.

4.) SPEAK UP if you are a victim of male sexual abuse. Admitting it won’t make you less of a man. There’s a reason prison jokes exist!

5.) The sooner you meet people outside of your traditional circles, the faster you realize just how cruel the world is. IT WILL STEEL YOURSELF for the future.

6.) KEEP IMPROVING yourself. Stop comparing yourself with others. Be content with what you have.

7.) NEVER MAKE A DECISION because of societal / family / peer pressure, do it only if it appeals to you. (the whole world be damned!)

8.) GROOM YOURSELF. And look how your immediate society’s behaviour towards you changes.

9.) INSULTING OTHERS (often stemming from juvenile bullying) who are different from you won’t make you butch. Better be known as the guy who gets along with everyone, despite differences.

10.) SPEAK UP AGAINST INJUSTICE. Be known as the man who knows how to take a stance against anything wrong. Be known for your moral code and integrity.

11.) NEVER BORROW MONEY. Be a self-made man. Live your life according to your financial standards, and be happy with the smaller things of life.

12.) MAKE YOUR MARK. Walk, and in turn inspire many, to walk down the perilous path of life successfully. Try doing something worthwhile for others, so that people remember you fondly when you are gone.

My Marriage is Ruined

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I met my wife when we were both young. I married the first woman I fell in love with. I knew at the time we started dating that we were incompatible, but it didn’t stop us from getting together, because (a) I truly believed there was nobody else in the world who was like me and would be compatible with me, (b) we both believed that if you love someone you have to be with them, and (c) true love overcomes everything, right? Right? Isn’t that what Disney movies with talking animals say?

When we got together, she wanted a traditional monogamous relationship. I am not monogamous, and have never been in a monogamous relationship. She knew that, but we tried anyway.

So we had a relationship where we could both have outside lovers (and did; she had other partners too) but only with strict rules. She said I was not allowed to love someone else, I could not do things like spend the night with another lover or make commitments to another lover, and so on.

You know, all the things that naive, inexperienced, insecure couples do when they try to open a relationship.

The problem? I didn’t realize that you can’t pass rules on feelings (if that worked, why not just pass a rule saying “nobody is allowed to feel insecure”? Derp.)

More importantly, I never thought about how that disempowers other people, how profoundly it objectifies them, and how hurtful it is to them. It reduces them to the status of walking sex toys, tells them their feelings don’t matter, and tells them that they can never have a voice in what they share with me.

Which is really fucked up, and it’s why, when I speak and teach, I advise people “never date or get involved with couples that have these rules.”

I hurt other people, who became attached to me (as people often do when they have sex) only to have the door slammed in their face, and to be told their feelings don’t matter.

It took me way longer than it should have to see how I was hurting other people, something I still regret to this day. Finally, when I did see it, I could not in good conscience continue to do it and still look at myself in the mirror.

My wife and I tried to find a new foundation to build our relationship on, but by that point we had 18 years of history, and a history of dealing with problems and insecurities by passing rules leaves a relationship brittle and weak.

She had spent that eighteen years truly believing that I didn’t really want to be with her and that I would leave her when I found someone “better.” Having a partner who truly believes, year after year, that your love isn’t real and you secretly want to leave is soul-killing.

So I asked for a divorce.

We are not close any more, but we are still friendly and do talk to each other from time to time.

I’ve Been So Used to Feeling Depressed That Being Happy for Long Periods of Time Makes Me Uncomfortable

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Depression for me has been like that ratty pair of pajama pants you put on at the end of the day. You haven’t washed them in ages, there are holes in inappropriate places, and you know you ought to just toss them. But it’s so comfortable, and if you’re being honest, you’d rather wear them all day, every day.

At some point, you’ve been wearing those pants for so long that you don’t even notice how ratty they are. You don’t realize that they’re not your favorite pants anymore – you’re wearing them out of habit. You’ve seen some new pants that LOOK comfy and are your style, but it would take energy and money you don’t have to go out and buy them. Plus, the old ones have been through a lot with you. It would feel uncomfortable to wear anything different at this point, even if you’d be happy (in some respect) with something new.

It takes a lot of effort, but maybe one day, you buy those new pants. You’re a step closer to change, even though you don’t wear the new pair right away. The old pants know your worst aspects, and there’s comfort in that.

Eventually, you can wear the new pants for a few minutes at a time. Then a few hours. You might get through a whole day in them. But you still don’t feel truly at home until you slip on the old ones.

After a few wearings and washings, the new pants don’t feel so foreign anymore. You’re starting to figure out how they fit into your life. One day, you come across the old pants in the bottom of a drawer and think, “Man, these are so comfy, but they’re falling apart!” You wear them again anyway. But maybe you notice you don’t like them as much as you once did.

Some day, you’ll be able to recognize that a particular sadness isn’t helping you. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll never be able to throw it out, and that’s okay – depression has its place in life too.

Just don’t live in it.

Did You Ever Witness Someone Throw Away Their Life?

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I’ve seen this happen more than once. Once, when I was a Product Manager in charge of a product line we made the mistake of promoting an Engineer into Marketing. As soon as he put on that white shirt and tie he suddenly thought he was “somebody”. From a demure, curious Engineer he became an imperious Know-it-all who knew nothing and embarrassed himself. But then it got worse. He attended some day-trading seminar and now he was going to get rich overnight. He was on the phone with his broker constantly, buying and selling and never completing his assigned tasks. We had lost all respect for him.

But the worst came when we were sent to a trade show in Las Vegas. He showed up at the booth without a belt. Our management considered us under-dressed at the office if we wore sport coats instead of two piece suits and he was showing up to attend customers without a belt. Our manager was aghast. They sent him out to buy a belt. He missed the first four hours of the show. But it got worse. We were in Las Vegas and when the booth closed he hit the tables. He was there all night, losing money by the thousands. When the show opened the next day he didn’t show up for two hours and when he did show up it was in the same clothes. He was unshaven and reeked of booze. He looked like Hell and he was shaken. He had lost so much money he couldn’t think straight. The boss sent him to get cleaned up. He never returned. He went back to the tables. By the end of the show he had lost his house. He was a wreck on the plane going home. He had no idea what he was going to tell his wife. The following work day he showed up in his suit and tie – and the boss and HR were waiting for him. He was walked out within minutes. In less than a week he had lost all his savings, his house and his job. I never saw anyone so broken in so short a time.

Another time I worked with a crackerjack engineer who was a non-conformist. This was well-accepted in the company and is usually tolerated in most companies. But as the company’s fortunes waned he became more and more erratic. The company was in a death spiral and it seemed to affect him deeply. People were bailing left and right but he had been there for 17 years and it was his life. The products he built were like his children. He was way too invested in the ongoing success of the company and he railed against anyone and everyone whom he thought was impeding the success of the company. The problem was that the products were too weak, the competition too strong and the sales force too incapable. In addition, Management was absolutely clueless.

In a few short years we had spiraled downhill from well over 120 million dollars annually to about 20 million and falling fast. I was on my way out along with anyone who still had even half a clue – the writing was on the walls. There was no way to save this pig. And then we needed him to go onsite to talk to our last big customer, the one customer who was keeping the company solvent. He was needed to explain how we would incorporate the features they needed. In fact, there was never any plan to do what they wanted – we no longer had the ability to accomplish it and make a profit so the goal was to stall them or convince them why they didn’t need the features. But when we were all sitting around the table with the customer, on their site, and he was asked to speak, he said, “What the hell is wrong with you people? You’re suckers. We’re never going to make these changes. Ever. Get used to it.”

Did You Ever Witness Someone Throw Away Their Life?

I have never seen such a meltdown in front of a customer before. Silence reigned. What can you say after that? The meeting broke up. He was fired instantly – but he couldn’t understand why. When HR came to his office, he locked the door and refused to leave. We had to call the police. He had to be physically carried from the building. It was not a building with card-keys, but with a real tumbler lock and he had keys. We had to change all the locks on the building. He would try to enter the building through the loading dock and sneak back to his office and do work. The police were called more than once. His wife would come and take him away. When he couldn’t get in he would hang around the door with his big dogs and frighten the hell out of the employees. Legal action finally had to be taken. He was mentally destroyed. He eventually got a job as the most junior technician at some other failing company. He was no longer capable of functioning as the senior electrical engineer he had once been.

The Experimental Ketamine Cure for Depression (VIDEO)

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Could the club drug, ketamine, be the best hope for curing chronic depression? Every year millions of Americans struggle with major depression, but 30% of these people don’t get any better on anti-depressants.

However, low dose ketamine infusions can offer complete relief from depressive thoughts and feelings in as little as 1-2 hours. Though the FDA hasn’t approved ketamine for psychiatric disorders, pioneering doctors have been administering ketamine in a practice known as “off-label” treatment in clinics popping up across the country.

But with no FDA approval, no oversight, limited data and no regulations, some medical professionals are concerned patients are essentially lab mice, not realizing the potential risks with this “miracle drug.”

The Most Important Things in Life

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It’s not the amount of money in your bank account. It’s not the car that’s in your driveway. It’s not the number of pairs of shoes you have in your closet.

Yet, why is it that many people make these trivial nothings their main focus in life? Remember, when you die, you can’t bring your expensive BMW with you.

Would you be content telling your children that you trade your most valuable asset (TIME), your happiness, AND your health to work some job that you hate, surrounded by people you hate all for a small sum of money?

Sorry, not me.

I’m going to break down the things that matter the most at the end of the day:

Health. “Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”

  • By far, my health and well-being are the most important aspects of my life. I make health and nutrition my primary focus every day, and so should you.

 

  • I’d much rather be broke and healthy than to be rich and sick.

 

  • Health brings a freedom very few realize until they no longer have it.

 

  • Imagine your body as a high-performance sports car like a Lamborghini or a Ferrari. Anyone who owns one of these beautiful machines knows that they require only the most high-grade fuel. Our bodies are no different.

 

  • If you don’t fuel your body with the nutrients it desires on a daily basis, it will perform like a broken-down Honda from the 80’s. Sure, it still runs, but good luck getting on the freeway with that thing!

 

  • Try starting every morning with a green smoothie packed with highly nutritious fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts.

Happiness. “Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

  • What most don’t realize is that happiness is a choice. It’s the choice you make every morning when you wake up and when you put your head on your pillow at night.

 

  • Are you unhappy with your job right now? Choose to do something about it. Are you unhappy with where you live? Choose to relocate or move elsewhere. Are you unhappy with your financial situation? Choose to start building your dream and stop building someone else’s.

 

  • The number one regret people have on their deathbed is: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” When people realize that their life is almost over and look back on it, it is easy to see how many dreams and visions have gone unfulfilled.

 

  • I get seasonal depression, so I chose to relocate to Mexico for my winter months. Many say I’m lucky and that they wish they could do the same. I always ask them, “What’s stopping you?” I’m in no way lucky. I chose to make reading and perfecting my skills a priority. I chose to pursue an online job so that I could make money working from anywhere in the world.

 

  • Start making better choices, and you’ll be surprised with how fast happiness will flow to you. Fear is the only thing holding you back.

Family. “You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.”

  • When you accomplish something great, who is always there to congratulate you? When something terrible happens to you, who can you turn to for advice and support?

 

  • Friends will come and go from your life, but your family is FOREVER.

 

  • They will always have your back, no matter what. They want only the best for you and would do anything to make it that way.

 

  • I am eternally grateful for my family. Without the love and support I’ve received from my amazing mother and father, I would not be the man that I am today.