Can Men and Women be Just FRIENDS?

Actually yes, men and women can be friends. I haven’t watched JHMS so I won’t speak on that but I’ll tell you what I’ve learned empirically.

Men and women can be best of friends. They grow close together so fast, it’s amazing.

Sometimes it happens that one of the two starts developing some feelings for the other that makes them cross the line. As long as this situation is not developing, men and women can be badass friends.

Since I have always believed in this theory, I’ve never developed such feelings for my girl-friends.

Contrary to the Indian belief and common saying of Hasi To Phasi (You are set of she laughs) I have always believed that if a girl is laughing around you, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s interested in taking things to the next level or pitching sex there. It just means that she wants to be friends with you as well. This is what I believe though.

I would be lying if I say the otherwise hasn’t happened to me. Sometimes, even with me, it has happened that I grew close to a girl with the believe that we’re good friends but later on, it turned out that she was infatuated or had a crush. When these things first happened, things went south for that friendship. A lot of my friendships have been ruined because of this. We were so close. I almost miss them.

But, to answer your questions, yes, they can be friends!

I have too many girl-friends!

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Relationships: The Worst Thing A Woman Can do to a Man

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Men don’t go crazy unless there’s an underlying mental illness. It’s mostly because of intimate relationships and it’s troubles. Also, men are hardwired to look for solutions even when there are none and give up everything for the sake of their women, even if they’re downright evil.

A close friend of mine had this happen to him. Being in a relationship with a girl who was a little elder to him, he thought he would eventually end up with her. The girl battered his ego consistently, hurt him everyday with belittling words like ugly or repulsive. Trust me, this guy is really good looking yet here he was with someone who didn’t appreciate the things he used to do. I’ve been told he’s slept in bus stations. He travelled far to meet her and when he turned up in the city, she didn’t turned up.

The thing that really broke him was the constant flirting around with other men, in his presence. None of us can stand that shit. Here he was, still trying to get her to notice him. I can’t even start to imagine the battering my self respect would take in such situations. Yet, he stuck through. Although my question is always WHY, he couldn’t have answered it because psychologically the victim of mental/emotional abuse starts becoming dependent on the abuser. It gets hard to step away. He caught her in the club dancing with other men and she had told him the general, “I’ll be at home, sleeping.”

He has tried to cut himself. Fought with his parents, almost ran away from home and his insecurities had jacked up so much, any girl he came in contact with basically were driven away. The insecurities of a man being mentally abused are hard to take care of. They need to be addressed with utmost care. Otherwise they shatter like a thin piece of glass. His life had ended, he saw no way out of it. She made him a snarky, miserable image of his former self. Eventually, after three years he realized what she was doing to him and broke up with her completely. I’m just glad they never reached the marriage stage.

What my friend was, jerky with insecurities to what he is now, is a huge difference. He has now blossomed into a beautiful individual, knows what he wants out of himself and his relationships. When I see someone flourishing with self respect, it makes me happy. I can just watch him like that and fill myself with happiness.

Top 10 Reasons Why Someone Should Not Date You?

  1. I’m incredibly introverted – Being physically close to a large amount of strangers has given me anxiety attacks before, and I guarantee it’ll happen again.
  2. I need to know everything – I cannot stand not knowing things, if I have a question, I NEED an answer. This applies to science, maths, technology, history, all that stuff, but it also applies to people. How people work, what they like, what they don’t like. I end up creating mental profiles for everyone I meet.
  3. I act overly intelligent – This ties into my last point. While my crippling social awkwardness prevents me from doing this to people I don’t know, I relay mountains and mountains of information to people that couldn’t give a damn. It doesn’t help that I actually know what I’m taking about (my last point) and so I end up going on tangents.
  4. I can’t hold conversations – I cannot for the life of me, hold a conversation for more than ten seconds. I’ll ask how your day was, then you’ll say something along the lines of, “good”. At which point my brain has kicked into recovery mode. Recovery mode is what I’ve called the process, in which my mind bolts through every single piece of information I can muster about this person in search of a good conversation topic. More often than not, I’m unsuccessful, which leads to awkward silence.
  5. I treat everyone as equal – Now, this doesn’t sound very bad right? But think about what I’ve said in detail. I basically said that my mother, the woman that raised me and loved me for my entire life, has the same significance towards me that does someone I’ve never met. Seems unfair right? It is. Of course I’m embellishing a little. I love my mother much more than a stranger, I’ll just treat her with the same courtesy as anyone else. Respectfully.
  6. I’m a pacifist – I haven’t hit anyone since I was in preschool, so you really shouldn’t expect me to “defend your honor” with my fists if I haven’t used them in decades. I’ll try to calm things down, and be mature about the situation. Which seems like it would piss a lot of girls off for not defending them.
  7. I don’t like sex – I never have. Don’t get me wrong, I will lay beside you for hours, and do nothing but listen to your heart beat against my chest, but that’s because I crave intimacy, not animalistic noises and broken headboards. And that’s where most of my relationships have ended, I don’t have a sex drive, but my partners does. And because of that, I try, but it ends up feeling wrong for both of us.
  8. I’m not an athletic person – I have an excuse for this one. In the past I’ve had asthma attacks, heart problems, and to top it off I was in an accident a while back that left my left ankle extremely weak. To run for more than five minutes requires me to wear a leg brace, take a couple of pills, and have my inhaler in my back pocket… so no thank you to that.
  9. I am a time freak – I’m never late for an important event, and I’ll get very agitated if you’re late too. If you’re with me, and you make me late for something important, it’ll take at least till the end of the night for me to fully let it go. It’s an insignificant pet peeve, but a pet peeve nonetheless.

My Marriage is Ruined

I met my wife when we were both young. I married the first woman I fell in love with. I knew at the time we started dating that we were incompatible, but it didn’t stop us from getting together, because (a) I truly believed there was nobody else in the world who was like me and would be compatible with me, (b) we both believed that if you love someone you have to be with them, and (c) true love overcomes everything, right? Right? Isn’t that what Disney movies with talking animals say?

When we got together, she wanted a traditional monogamous relationship. I am not monogamous, and have never been in a monogamous relationship. She knew that, but we tried anyway.

So we had a relationship where we could both have outside lovers (and did; she had other partners too) but only with strict rules. She said I was not allowed to love someone else, I could not do things like spend the night with another lover or make commitments to another lover, and so on.

You know, all the things that naive, inexperienced, insecure couples do when they try to open a relationship.

The problem? I didn’t realize that you can’t pass rules on feelings (if that worked, why not just pass a rule saying “nobody is allowed to feel insecure”? Derp.)

More importantly, I never thought about how that disempowers other people, how profoundly it objectifies them, and how hurtful it is to them. It reduces them to the status of walking sex toys, tells them their feelings don’t matter, and tells them that they can never have a voice in what they share with me.

Which is really fucked up, and it’s why, when I speak and teach, I advise people “never date or get involved with couples that have these rules.”

I hurt other people, who became attached to me (as people often do when they have sex) only to have the door slammed in their face, and to be told their feelings don’t matter.

It took me way longer than it should have to see how I was hurting other people, something I still regret to this day. Finally, when I did see it, I could not in good conscience continue to do it and still look at myself in the mirror.

My wife and I tried to find a new foundation to build our relationship on, but by that point we had 18 years of history, and a history of dealing with problems and insecurities by passing rules leaves a relationship brittle and weak.

She had spent that eighteen years truly believing that I didn’t really want to be with her and that I would leave her when I found someone “better.” Having a partner who truly believes, year after year, that your love isn’t real and you secretly want to leave is soul-killing.

So I asked for a divorce.

We are not close any more, but we are still friendly and do talk to each other from time to time.

Relationship: Can You Stay Friend After Break-Up?

Even though it’s possible, I would actually recommend against trying this. If there wasn’t enough reason to stay, it suggests that you are moving with different trajectories as far as your lives are concerned. It’s only going to get harder to make time for the person you broke up with.

I think the issue at the heart of the matter is why you want to keep the other person around. If codependency or convenience or other similar issues are at play, be very careful and considerate as you proceed.

Breaking up is tough. I hope you find the solution you seek.

Things I Do After A Break-Up

My 8 year old relationship had come to an end when my ex GF told me that she doesn’t see a future with me because my career was not stable. But into the very first week after the breakup I planned a 12 Day trek in the mountains.

Later near the date I started planning a bike tour on the side.

At first I thought I will ride my bicycle a thousand Km uphill to the base camp of the trek. Later I extended my holiday with a long 20 day bike tour. And after finishing the trek I went off on a long solo bicycle tour to Laddakh. I ended up traveling over 40 days only sustaining myself with a very small amount of cash and my tiny bicycle.

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Traveling alone allowed me to have peace with myself. It helped me think about the decisions I have made. I got a lot of cool ideas while riding. I realized that now that I am single I can take much bigger risks.

On my way back a local newspaper published a story about my trip. Things started looking positive and soon enough I got my hands on a really cool international assignment.Read full story here.

Valentine’s Day Gifts Ideas for All Types of Lovers

If it so happens you find yourself with a date on Valentine’s Day, it’s kind of the same situation as a night like New Year’s Eve — there is an unwritten rule about making the evening more special than your regular Saturday night dinner.

“For some, this means making reservations at the most exclusive restaurant in town, where you’ll enjoy a prix fixe menu, along with the “special pricing,” rushed along by your server to make way for the next enamored couple, and of course the [perfect] gift and card you spent hours selecting,” says Rosalinda Randall, a civility consultant and author.

Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? No?

Valentine’s Day is a lot of pressure, no matter where you are in the dating process. “Whether you are in a long term relationship or have been seeing a love interest for just a short amount of time, giving a gift on Valentines will always be regarded as a kind gesture and ultimately capture the hearts,” says Yolanda Williams, a professional matchmaker.

However, there are levels to your gift giving, depending upon the seriousness of your relationship. Certain gifts are permissible, while others can be giving too soon. “If you’re just meeting, buying expensive gifts can be regarded as coming on too strong. So stick to gifts that are low-key. Most women love romance. And what that simply means is it’s a gift that shows you really put some thought into it,” Williams says.

Too Soon?

“If you’re dating someone who has been dropping hints about Valentine’s since the moment you met on New Year’s Eve, you might reconsider the relationship,” Randall says. “Valentine’s Day gift-giving is really up to the gift-giver; their regard for the holiday, affection for the person, perspective on future of the relationship, and budgetary constraints.”

Make Suggestions

“Saying, ‘I want to do something fun on Valentine’s Day’ won’t cut it; it’s too subjective. Making concrete suggestions about what you want will set the tone,” says Joan Barnard, Zoosk’s relationship expert. You might say, “Wouldn’t a couples massage be fun?” or “This would be the perfect time to try that cute French restaurant.” Sharing suggestions will give your partner some parameters: how much to spend, how romantic the gift should be, etc., says Barnard.

Make sure your suggestions match the level of your relationship: If you have suggestions in mind, make sure they match where you are in your relationship and love, says Barnard. If she’s expecting a card and receives a diamond necklace, she’ll feel overwhelmed. Be realistic. Save expensive gifts for your serious established relationships, says Barnard.

1. If You’re Newly Dating

You don’t know very much about your new main squeeze yet, and this gift should be more of a token. Let her know you are thinking of her and into her — but not enough to scare her off. Keep it light and fun, but not too intimate. “Hopefully, you’ve had a couple of conversations where you listened and picked up on what they like. By the way, if they are dissatisfied with your gift because they expected more, run!” says Randall.

Potential gift ideas:

Drunken Caramels
Obviously chocolate and flowers are the classics, but up the ante a bit with these unique treats. The sweets come infused with Cabernet, Chardonnay, Guinness Stout or Bourbon.

Mixology Collection Salt Bar Gift Set
If she’s all about an after-work cocktail, she may just want to spruce up her at-home bar. These organic salts can be the finishing touch to her favorite specialty cocktails. Includes: Applewood Smoked, Black Lava, Ghost Pepper, Lemon, and Thai Ginger Sea Salts.

2. If You’re Several Months In

This gift should show a bit more consideration and understanding of who she is and what she’s into. Maybe it will be a DVD of her favorite movie, a special edition of a book she loves. Maybe you’ll buy her those shoes she’s had her eye on, or cook her favorite dinner. Whether you’re a month or a year into the relationship, spend more time doing what she loves and show that you’re willing to explore with her. “Consider what they enjoy doing: cooking — a fancy kitchen gadget or spices; active lifestyle — massage certificate; busy lifestyle — food delivery program. Something for their pooch. (That’ll score a lot of points),” Randall says.

Potential gift ideas:

Yours and Mine Toothbrush Set.
Great for the stage where you are getting to know each other and sharing spaces. It’s small but thoughtful.

Ultra Faux Fur Throw.
Because getting cozy is never a bad idea, at any stage.

3. If You’re Getting Serious…

The key here is to show you put in some thought, says Williams. By now you should know her favorite things, and know what will make her happy. “Women love gifts that mean you two will be spending quality time together. So book a couple’s spa day, a future road trip or a flight, or tickets to a show. At this stage, jewelry is always a nice gesture as well. Whatever you decide, make sure it comes from a genuine place. If she’s the girl for you, she will appreciate that more than anything,” says Williams.

Potential gift ideas:

Bijouxx Jewels Citrine Pendant in Sterling Silver
You want to show you care, but maybe you don’t want to go too crazy yet. A simple gemstone in sterling silver is thoughtful and romantic, but nowhere near a ring.

Coyuchi Sateen Terry Robe
At this time, you are spending more time at each other’s homes and you want her to feel comfortable. It’s a great time to buy her some pjs to lounge around in that aren’t just about nookie, but about feeling welcome.

Am I Naive for Thinking My Partner Will Change?

WIRE TELEGRAM: Even though a relationship can start off in a certain way, it doesn’t mean that it will be the same as time passes. On one hand, this can be seen as something that just happens as two people get to know each other better, and on the other hand, it can mean that one person was putting on an act.

Best Foot Forward

In this sense, the person someone made themselves out to be in the beginning of the relationship was nothing more than an act. This shows that while someone can put their best foot forward; they can also go as far as to deceive others.

The other person might not just be in for a small surprise; they could be in for a real shock. As to how long it will take until they realise what is happening can depend on a number of different factors.

One Factor

When the idea one has of the other person doesn’t match up with what they are like, it can be a challenge for them to face reality. If the other person was to act differently, they could end up overlooking what happens, or even see it as a one-off.

What this will show is how caught up they are in the idea they have formed in their mind. Through holding onto this idea, they can feel good; whereas if they were to let it go and to embrace reality, this might not be the case.

Another Aspect

Alternatively, one might notice that the other person has changed and this could then cause them to talk to them about what is happening. But even though they end up talking to the other person, it doesn’t mean they will get the answer they were looking for.

For one thing, the other could say that one is seeing things and that there is more to it than meets the eye, for instance. Upon hearing this, they could come to believe what has been said and this could cause them to ignore what is taking place within them.

The Short-Term

When another person begins to change, it might be possible for one to put up with their behaviour in the short-term. In this case, their behaviour is going to be different but it is not going to be so different that one can no longer stay with the other person.

This could be because there are still other sides to them that they value, and this will then allow the relationship to continue. However, even though this could be the case in the short-term, it doesn’t mean it will be in the long-term.

A Problem

What they could overlook at one point in time could be what they are unable to overlook at another. Once they are at this point, it is not going to be possible for them to overlook what is taking place.

However, if another person’s behaviour was to completely change, it might not be possible for them to put up with their behaviour in the short-term. When this happens, it can be a sign that another person has ended up being abusive.

Dangerous

In this case, it is going to be dangerous for them to stay with the other person and it will then be important for them to walk away. If they were to stay with them, not only will it have a negative effect on their well-being; it could also mean that their physical body will also be harmed.

Therefore, the sooner they leave the other person, the sooner they will be able to put an end to what is taking place. So whether one is with someone who is abusive or not, it will be important for them to take action.

One Approach

On one hand, they could talk to the other person and end up being dismissed or told that they are getting worked up for no reason, and on the other hand, they could end up hearing the complete opposite. When this happens, they may say that they will change their behaviour.

Through hearing this, one could then come to believe what they hear and they could believe that will only be a matter of time before they do. Before long, they may start to see that the other person was actually telling the truth.

The Same Old Story

At the same time, the other person could say they will change and as time passes, one could find that they are still the same. If they were to tell them that they have had enough and/or that they are going to leave, for instance, they may be told that they need more time or that this time it will be different.

In the beginning, it can be easy for one to believe what they hear, but as time passes, they will start to see that the other person’s behaviour doesn’t match up with the words that come out of their mouth. So if they were to go along with what they hear and to deny what they see, they will be setting themselves up to suffer unnecessarily.

Resistance

They may find that they are able to walk away but at the same time, they may find that part of them doesn’t want to leave the other person. This part of them could believe that they will change if they are given enough time.

If this happens, one is not going to working with themselves; they are going to be working against themselves. It is then going to be important for them to let go of their need to delude themselves and to face reality.

Awareness

When it comes to their mental, emotional and physical health, it will be in their best interest to leave the other person. This is not to say that one has to do this by themselves though, as they can be assisted by therapist and/or a support group.

Through their help, one can gradually begin to face reality and during this time, they may find that they are carrying pain from the past that needs to be processed.