The Lowest Point of My Life

There are few things that can qualify for this, but I am going to talk about the time with my friend Anshu Gupta, in the first year of our college life.

This is not a eulogy, don’t consider it to be one, because I am sure he won’t like it.

Let me begin from the start, I knew Anshu from standard 10th and we became good friends in class 11. He was a brilliant, cheerful, and most of all humble guy with the worst handwriting in the world. I have had people tell me that my writing is illegible, but he was certainly much worse than me, which made me feel slightly better. He was a skilled right winger, and a good batsman/bowler. There was nobody that I knew till then who was as good at mathematics as he was. We would ask him, “Hey, Anshu what is the 24th root of 196 to two decimal places”, and he would work it out in less than a minute. Correctly. He was full of optimism. We were all prepping for JEE and I asked him, once when we were studying together, what would happen if we didn’t get selected? He replied, “We’ll try next year”. I asked what if we didnt get selected the next year too. And he laughed at me and said, ” C’mon! ANYONE can get selected in 2 years, don’t underestimate yourself.” That was the kind of person that he was.

I clearly remember the first time he fainted on the football field. Hauntingly so, it was I who tackled him. I also, being the idiot that I was (and am), boasted of the fact that I had caused him to lose consciousness. I didn’t know then that those words would come back to torture me someday.

I remember the time we all went to Campion school for our Brilliant Tests and the desperately fought football matches during the lunch time between tests. I remember the fights and the discussions regarding football and practically everything that exists on this planet. I remember his most oft-repeated lines, the tunes of “Roobaroo” the Rang-Dey-Basanti song(his favorite) and his unrhythmic rendition of it that we all used to make fun of, I remember the celebration when we all found out we were all going to be in IIT Kharagpur. I keep remembering and the memories keep coming… they are rich in detail and almost make me forget the loss.

Anshu was at NSS camp where he played cricket on a hot summer day.
He collapsed as he had done so many times before as well. There was no emergency services for miles.  I remember the day as never before now. The frantic phone calls from friends , the running to B.C.Roy Hospital  and trying to get things organised ,watching him being carried inside, trying to scream some life into him, trying to talk to his father while everybody else around me was hysterical. He survived long enough to be taken to the hospital at IIT Kharagpur and we watched from the window to the OR as the doctors tried to revive him, in vain.

Have you ever have had a cracker explode too near your ear? The whole inside of your brain goes numb and there is a strange solemn silence among the chaos.  Like a spear that has been thrust so fast and true, that the pain is still to come. Like ice and fire.

I know my pain is nothing as compared to what his family and relatives may have felt. Maybe I had not even felt a fraction of there suffering. I know this, that was the day I lost a very good friend. A friend I would have had for life. A friend I would have gladly been there for.

Often, in times of despair, the thought occurs, could I have done something to save him, I ask and I ask and I keep asking; but there is no answer. Could he have done something to save himself, again there is that numbing silence.

That was one of the lowest points of my life.

May the Almighty give peace to his soul.
May the Almighty give peace and solace to his family.
Amen

I’ve Been So Used to Feeling Depressed That Being Happy for Long Periods of Time Makes Me Uncomfortable

Depression for me has been like that ratty pair of pajama pants you put on at the end of the day. You haven’t washed them in ages, there are holes in inappropriate places, and you know you ought to just toss them. But it’s so comfortable, and if you’re being honest, you’d rather wear them all day, every day.

At some point, you’ve been wearing those pants for so long that you don’t even notice how ratty they are. You don’t realize that they’re not your favorite pants anymore – you’re wearing them out of habit. You’ve seen some new pants that LOOK comfy and are your style, but it would take energy and money you don’t have to go out and buy them. Plus, the old ones have been through a lot with you. It would feel uncomfortable to wear anything different at this point, even if you’d be happy (in some respect) with something new.

It takes a lot of effort, but maybe one day, you buy those new pants. You’re a step closer to change, even though you don’t wear the new pair right away. The old pants know your worst aspects, and there’s comfort in that.

Eventually, you can wear the new pants for a few minutes at a time. Then a few hours. You might get through a whole day in them. But you still don’t feel truly at home until you slip on the old ones.

After a few wearings and washings, the new pants don’t feel so foreign anymore. You’re starting to figure out how they fit into your life. One day, you come across the old pants in the bottom of a drawer and think, “Man, these are so comfy, but they’re falling apart!” You wear them again anyway. But maybe you notice you don’t like them as much as you once did.

Some day, you’ll be able to recognize that a particular sadness isn’t helping you. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll never be able to throw it out, and that’s okay – depression has its place in life too.

Just don’t live in it.

The Experimental Ketamine Cure for Depression (VIDEO)

Could the club drug, ketamine, be the best hope for curing chronic depression? Every year millions of Americans struggle with major depression, but 30% of these people don’t get any better on anti-depressants.

However, low dose ketamine infusions can offer complete relief from depressive thoughts and feelings in as little as 1-2 hours. Though the FDA hasn’t approved ketamine for psychiatric disorders, pioneering doctors have been administering ketamine in a practice known as “off-label” treatment in clinics popping up across the country.

But with no FDA approval, no oversight, limited data and no regulations, some medical professionals are concerned patients are essentially lab mice, not realizing the potential risks with this “miracle drug.”

How Do I Break Out of the Cycle of Depression and Self-Blame?

I grew up in poverty and had no one to coach me academically or philosophically, but was smart with minimal effort, did well, and muddled through a strong state school, then into debt and got a master’s at a top private school just to validate my intelligence/have something productive to do (a perpetual 3.4 GPA student) rather than continue “wasting away.” I’m depressed, uncertain about what I want, but ambitious and obsessively asking myself what the next step in life is, what is meaningful to me, and what careers are worth pursuing to me.

I’m contemplating getting a PhD, but I’m on my way out of my 20s and so worried I’ll just be poor for the majority of my adult life. Let me know if you need more details to make sense of this  question, and thank you for your patience for yet another 20-something  whiner (nota bene–a tough love approach will just leave me feeling more  worthless, as it’s the approach I’ve tried on myself my whole life, which eventually ran out of steam and left me mired in depression).

  1. I am called “ the biggest loser” in my friends circle.
  2. My father thinks that I have wasted his money in paying tuition fees of universities. He thinks that I don’t deserve a great job.
  3. My relatives consider me an average student who has no ambition and career.
  4. My boss thinks that I can’t handle any situation and she can’t depend on me.
  5. According to the success criteria of the society, I am a complete failure.
  6. I am short height person~ 5′ 2′’
  7. My physical stamina is very low. After running 5 minutes, I can’t breathe and I feel exhausted.
  8. I don’t have a great career. My job application has been rejected by 1700 employers till today. Currently, I am doing an ordinary job.
  9. My friends are driving their personal car while I am still hanging in the local bus in a huge crowd.
  10. I am going bald gradually.
  11. I don’t have good physical appearance.
  12. I’ve been rejected by many girls and I don’t have girl friend at all.
  13. I have directional dyslexia. I always get confused about left-right direction and find myself lost even on common roads.
  14. I have a severe problem to forget everything. I can’t remember anything. I forget important deadlines of assignments, persons’ names, important steps and so on.
  15. I grew up in a middle class family and my parents don’t have any property.
  16. I lack self-confidence and good interpersonal skills.
  17. I often stumble to speak and write in English language.
  18. I have poor writing skills. My first 70 answers on Quora didn’t get a single upvote.

how-do-i-break-out-of-the-cycle-of-depression-and-self-blame

Life has thrown to me a challenge. I have several reasons to be depressed and frustrated. But, I don’t. I don’t care what the society thinks about me, my career, my appearance, my being a failure and so on. I am trying to break out of the cycle of depression, self-blame, meandering purposelessness and mediocrity by these ways-

  • First, we have to accept ourselves. Whatever you are, just accept it. I am a mediocre, people. I’ve accepted myself. Then, work hard to overcome the mediocrity. I am working hard to improve my condition.

 

  • Don’t be part of a rat race of life. Here, everyone wants to be winner. But people always forget that if you win this rat race, you will be trapped in this vicious circle of success. There will be lots of stress and unlimited expectations. So, find your passion and work on it. I have found my passion and working hard to achieve it.

 

  • Enhance your physical and mental capability to face the challenge of life. Do meditation, running and push-ups. Every morning, I do these things.

 

  • Do you know what is the secret of success? Don’t expect anything from life. Just do your activities sincerely and pretend that you don’t have right to get anything. Whatever, you get, consider it as a bonus. Life will be really easy. I strictly follow this principle in my life.

 

  • Don’t take life too seriously. You will be in deep trouble. I take the life as usual.

 

  • Try to be persistent with your hard work and time management. Life is not a movie and anything will not be changed overnight. Give continuous effort and do work hard. The situation will start to change gradually.

 

  • Always show gratitude to God about your situation. Millions of people are homeless and they don’t have food to eat. Always think about their condition. I feel blessed and show gratitude to God that my condition is way better than them.

 

  • Build powerful habit. 90%people don’t get rid of bad habits. They try to achieve success but they get failed again and again due to being persisted with bad habits. So, set your goal and do particular tasks everyday. It can be developing your maths skill, language skill or programming skill. Just spend 30–40 minutes everyday. It will turn into a habit. Your subconscious mind will work for it, you don’t need to do anything.

 

  • Help people. Whatever your condition is, always try to help people. It will give you self-confidence and self-satisfaction. I love to help.

 

  • Try to live in the present moment. Your past has already gone. Your future is waiting. You can not change these. You can only change the present moment by doing hard work. Therefore, I always focus on the present moment.

 

  • Take responsibility for your action. Self-blame is not a solution for any problem. We have to take responsibility for our own action. Then, find out the solutions to overcome the problem. I don’t give self blame and I take responsibility for my action and evaluate it.

 

  • Set your goal of life. Purposelessness is a dangerous thing which distracts your mind. Therefore, do meditation and try to think what you love to do. During meditation, your mind will be stable, highly focused and you will find out your purpose of life. But you have to meditation for 3 months regularly. Then, it will work.

 

  • Stands out among the crowd. Overcoming mediocrity is difficult but possible. Always try to stand out among the crowd by your innovative business ideas, hard work and unique qualities.

 

  • Don’t try to be jack of all trade. You should focus on only one particular subject and try to achieve world class expertise on that specific subject. It can be sports, theater, singing, playing instrument, writing, photography.

 

  • Life is full of endless opportunities. I can fail at exam, rejected by employers, fired from jobs, rejected by girls. Life is more than that of these failures. Lots of doors may be closed for me. But I believe that there are hundreds of doors which I can open and astonishing opportunities are waiting for me.

 

  • Self confidence and good interpersonal skill really works at tough situation. I do meditation, run, speak English with my friends to develop English language skill, practice public speaking in front of mirror, set small targets and try to achieve it, talk with strangers and make friendship, read self help book, observe behavior of successful people to achieve self confidence and interpersonal skill.

 

  • Create own method to solve for specific problem. I forget everything. That’s why I write down everything in my note book, give reminders in my cellphone and use sticky notes software in my laptop to remember specific deadlines for any task.

 

  • Only think about those things which are in your control. I don’t think about my height and directional dyslexia problem. It’s out of my control. I only focus on those activities which is in my control and help me to become a skilled and better person.

 

  • Do what you love. I love to write. But I know that I don’t have good writing skill. Moreover, I have lots of grammatical mistakes in my answers in quora. Still, I continue writing. I write to satisfy myself and get rid of my sufferings and pain.

 

  • Always try to be positive after several failures. American Industrialist and the founder of Ford Motor Company, Henry Ford has a nice quote about failure. When I fail at different situations of life, I just remember this quote “Failure is the opportunity to begin again with more intelligently.” I feel really motivated after remembering this quote and take preparation to start the next mission of my life.