My Marriage is Ruined

I met my wife when we were both young. I married the first woman I fell in love with. I knew at the time we started dating that we were incompatible, but it didn’t stop us from getting together, because (a) I truly believed there was nobody else in the world who was like me and would be compatible with me, (b) we both believed that if you love someone you have to be with them, and (c) true love overcomes everything, right? Right? Isn’t that what Disney movies with talking animals say?

When we got together, she wanted a traditional monogamous relationship. I am not monogamous, and have never been in a monogamous relationship. She knew that, but we tried anyway.

So we had a relationship where we could both have outside lovers (and did; she had other partners too) but only with strict rules. She said I was not allowed to love someone else, I could not do things like spend the night with another lover or make commitments to another lover, and so on.

You know, all the things that naive, inexperienced, insecure couples do when they try to open a relationship.

The problem? I didn’t realize that you can’t pass rules on feelings (if that worked, why not just pass a rule saying “nobody is allowed to feel insecure”? Derp.)

More importantly, I never thought about how that disempowers other people, how profoundly it objectifies them, and how hurtful it is to them. It reduces them to the status of walking sex toys, tells them their feelings don’t matter, and tells them that they can never have a voice in what they share with me.

Which is really fucked up, and it’s why, when I speak and teach, I advise people “never date or get involved with couples that have these rules.”

I hurt other people, who became attached to me (as people often do when they have sex) only to have the door slammed in their face, and to be told their feelings don’t matter.

It took me way longer than it should have to see how I was hurting other people, something I still regret to this day. Finally, when I did see it, I could not in good conscience continue to do it and still look at myself in the mirror.

My wife and I tried to find a new foundation to build our relationship on, but by that point we had 18 years of history, and a history of dealing with problems and insecurities by passing rules leaves a relationship brittle and weak.

She had spent that eighteen years truly believing that I didn’t really want to be with her and that I would leave her when I found someone “better.” Having a partner who truly believes, year after year, that your love isn’t real and you secretly want to leave is soul-killing.

So I asked for a divorce.

We are not close any more, but we are still friendly and do talk to each other from time to time.

I’ve Been So Used to Feeling Depressed That Being Happy for Long Periods of Time Makes Me Uncomfortable

Depression for me has been like that ratty pair of pajama pants you put on at the end of the day. You haven’t washed them in ages, there are holes in inappropriate places, and you know you ought to just toss them. But it’s so comfortable, and if you’re being honest, you’d rather wear them all day, every day.

At some point, you’ve been wearing those pants for so long that you don’t even notice how ratty they are. You don’t realize that they’re not your favorite pants anymore – you’re wearing them out of habit. You’ve seen some new pants that LOOK comfy and are your style, but it would take energy and money you don’t have to go out and buy them. Plus, the old ones have been through a lot with you. It would feel uncomfortable to wear anything different at this point, even if you’d be happy (in some respect) with something new.

It takes a lot of effort, but maybe one day, you buy those new pants. You’re a step closer to change, even though you don’t wear the new pair right away. The old pants know your worst aspects, and there’s comfort in that.

Eventually, you can wear the new pants for a few minutes at a time. Then a few hours. You might get through a whole day in them. But you still don’t feel truly at home until you slip on the old ones.

After a few wearings and washings, the new pants don’t feel so foreign anymore. You’re starting to figure out how they fit into your life. One day, you come across the old pants in the bottom of a drawer and think, “Man, these are so comfy, but they’re falling apart!” You wear them again anyway. But maybe you notice you don’t like them as much as you once did.

Some day, you’ll be able to recognize that a particular sadness isn’t helping you. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll never be able to throw it out, and that’s okay – depression has its place in life too.

Just don’t live in it.

Did You Ever Witness Someone Throw Away Their Life?

I’ve seen this happen more than once. Once, when I was a Product Manager in charge of a product line we made the mistake of promoting an Engineer into Marketing. As soon as he put on that white shirt and tie he suddenly thought he was “somebody”. From a demure, curious Engineer he became an imperious Know-it-all who knew nothing and embarrassed himself. But then it got worse. He attended some day-trading seminar and now he was going to get rich overnight. He was on the phone with his broker constantly, buying and selling and never completing his assigned tasks. We had lost all respect for him.

But the worst came when we were sent to a trade show in Las Vegas. He showed up at the booth without a belt. Our management considered us under-dressed at the office if we wore sport coats instead of two piece suits and he was showing up to attend customers without a belt. Our manager was aghast. They sent him out to buy a belt. He missed the first four hours of the show. But it got worse. We were in Las Vegas and when the booth closed he hit the tables. He was there all night, losing money by the thousands. When the show opened the next day he didn’t show up for two hours and when he did show up it was in the same clothes. He was unshaven and reeked of booze. He looked like Hell and he was shaken. He had lost so much money he couldn’t think straight. The boss sent him to get cleaned up. He never returned. He went back to the tables. By the end of the show he had lost his house. He was a wreck on the plane going home. He had no idea what he was going to tell his wife. The following work day he showed up in his suit and tie – and the boss and HR were waiting for him. He was walked out within minutes. In less than a week he had lost all his savings, his house and his job. I never saw anyone so broken in so short a time.

Another time I worked with a crackerjack engineer who was a non-conformist. This was well-accepted in the company and is usually tolerated in most companies. But as the company’s fortunes waned he became more and more erratic. The company was in a death spiral and it seemed to affect him deeply. People were bailing left and right but he had been there for 17 years and it was his life. The products he built were like his children. He was way too invested in the ongoing success of the company and he railed against anyone and everyone whom he thought was impeding the success of the company. The problem was that the products were too weak, the competition too strong and the sales force too incapable. In addition, Management was absolutely clueless.

In a few short years we had spiraled downhill from well over 120 million dollars annually to about 20 million and falling fast. I was on my way out along with anyone who still had even half a clue – the writing was on the walls. There was no way to save this pig. And then we needed him to go onsite to talk to our last big customer, the one customer who was keeping the company solvent. He was needed to explain how we would incorporate the features they needed. In fact, there was never any plan to do what they wanted – we no longer had the ability to accomplish it and make a profit so the goal was to stall them or convince them why they didn’t need the features. But when we were all sitting around the table with the customer, on their site, and he was asked to speak, he said, “What the hell is wrong with you people? You’re suckers. We’re never going to make these changes. Ever. Get used to it.”

Did You Ever Witness Someone Throw Away Their Life?

I have never seen such a meltdown in front of a customer before. Silence reigned. What can you say after that? The meeting broke up. He was fired instantly – but he couldn’t understand why. When HR came to his office, he locked the door and refused to leave. We had to call the police. He had to be physically carried from the building. It was not a building with card-keys, but with a real tumbler lock and he had keys. We had to change all the locks on the building. He would try to enter the building through the loading dock and sneak back to his office and do work. The police were called more than once. His wife would come and take him away. When he couldn’t get in he would hang around the door with his big dogs and frighten the hell out of the employees. Legal action finally had to be taken. He was mentally destroyed. He eventually got a job as the most junior technician at some other failing company. He was no longer capable of functioning as the senior electrical engineer he had once been.

The Experimental Ketamine Cure for Depression (VIDEO)

Could the club drug, ketamine, be the best hope for curing chronic depression? Every year millions of Americans struggle with major depression, but 30% of these people don’t get any better on anti-depressants.

However, low dose ketamine infusions can offer complete relief from depressive thoughts and feelings in as little as 1-2 hours. Though the FDA hasn’t approved ketamine for psychiatric disorders, pioneering doctors have been administering ketamine in a practice known as “off-label” treatment in clinics popping up across the country.

But with no FDA approval, no oversight, limited data and no regulations, some medical professionals are concerned patients are essentially lab mice, not realizing the potential risks with this “miracle drug.”

The Most Important Things in Life

It’s not the amount of money in your bank account. It’s not the car that’s in your driveway. It’s not the number of pairs of shoes you have in your closet.

Yet, why is it that many people make these trivial nothings their main focus in life? Remember, when you die, you can’t bring your expensive BMW with you.

Would you be content telling your children that you trade your most valuable asset (TIME), your happiness, AND your health to work some job that you hate, surrounded by people you hate all for a small sum of money?

Sorry, not me.

I’m going to break down the things that matter the most at the end of the day:


Health. Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”

  • By far, my health and well-being are the most important aspects of my life. I make health and nutrition my primary focus every day, and so should you.

 

  • I’d much rather be broke and healthy than to be rich and sick.

 

  • Health brings a freedom very few realize until they no longer have it.

 

  • Imagine your body as a high-performance sports car like a Lamborghini or a Ferrari. Anyone who owns one of these beautiful machines knows that they require only the most high-grade fuel. Our bodies are no different.

 

  • If you don’t fuel your body with the nutrients it desires on a daily basis, it will perform like a broken-down Honda from the 80’s. Sure, it still runs, but good luck getting on the freeway with that thing!

 

  • Try starting every morning with a green smoothie packed with highly nutritious fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts.

Happiness. “Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

  • What most don’t realize is that happiness is a choice. It’s the choice you make every morning when you wake up and when you put your head on your pillow at night.

 

  • Are you unhappy with your job right now? Choose to do something about it. Are you unhappy with where you live? Choose to relocate or move elsewhere. Are you unhappy with your financial situation? Choose to start building your dream and stop building someone else’s.

 

  • The number one regret people have on their deathbed is: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” When people realize that their life is almost over and look back on it, it is easy to see how many dreams and visions have gone unfulfilled.

 

  • I get seasonal depression, so I chose to relocate to Mexico for my winter months. Many say I’m lucky and that they wish they could do the same. I always ask them, “What’s stopping you?” I’m in no way lucky. I chose to make reading and perfecting my skills a priority. I chose to pursue an online job so that I could make money working from anywhere in the world.

 

  • Start making better choices, and you’ll be surprised with how fast happiness will flow to you. Fear is the only thing holding you back.

Family. “You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.”

  • When you accomplish something great, who is always there to congratulate you? When something terrible happens to you, who can you turn to for advice and support?

 

  • Friends will come and go from your life, but your family is FOREVER.

 

  • They will always have your back, no matter what. They want only the best for you and would do anything to make it that way.

 

  • I am eternally grateful for my family. Without the love and support I’ve received from my amazing mother and father, I would not be the man that I am today.

What is Your Biggest Mistake or Regret?

My parents and I were watching TV together before going to bed, this was typical. My mother was usually somewhat drunk by this time from sipping wine so occasionally me or my dad would help her inside (the tv room was in the backyard and you had to walk outside up some steps to get to the house). I was slightly annoyed with my mom for reasons I cannot remember. My dad got up to go to bed so I followed not wanting to be left out there with my mom. Both my dad and I were brushing our teeth when we heard a loud noise. We nonchalantly went outside to find my mother laying on the ground at the bottom of the concrete steps. She was unconscious for about 30 seconds, so we took her to the hospital. She was in the ICU for about week with the nurses telling us she was getting better and there were no serious damages. We then got a call she was brain dead and had to come to the hospital to give permission for them to take her off life support. How did this happen? I thought they said she was going to be fine. My mother died a day later while in a surgery donating her organs. My biggest regret in life is neglecting to help her into her bed that night, if I had she would still be alive.

Who is the Weirdest Person You’ve Ever Met?

Anonymous: 

his happened very long ago, early in my career,

I didn’t know him very well, but I disliked him from the start.  And for years I never could figure out why.

We were on the faculty of a large public school, but we worked in different departments and in different buildings.  I saw him often enough in the office or at the weekly faculty meeting, but we rarely spoke because there just wasn’t much for us to talk about.  He was considered handsome– that’s what the office ladies said– but I never thought so.

I can remember saying to my hall neighbor not long after he joined the faculty that he was creepy to me.  She agreed.  But he was in great with the administration, I was a new teacher, and I decided to keep it to myself.

My last year there he suddenly (and very obviously) dyed his hair and started wearing clothes that really were too trendy and youngish for a 40 year old man.  I wasn’t the only one who noticed that.  He took a school group to a competition, and when they did well he got a lot of attention for it. I still found him creepy.

Fast forward to the next academic year.  I had transferred to a different school in the same district that was closer to my home.  I opened my newspaper one morning to discover some news that somehow didn’t shock me much.  The very same individual had been arrested for sexual misconduct with a student.  He confessed, was convicted and went from faculty all-star to guest of the government in a couple of months.

I think this man had been involved in that for years.  You don’t just suddenly become a man who preys on children.

Life Advice from People Over 60 Years Old

Anyhow, I was saying that the old ladies were telling us stories when we were kids; I apologize for not being able to tell you any of those stories that my mother and my grandmother were telling me, they were good stories for us kids, since we kids would hear them many times and still we were interested in them, perhaps we were waiting for the heroes of the stories to do what they had to do to have their ways; but today I have forgotten most of these stories, therefore I am not able to tell you any of them. But anyhow this is not the only reason why I am writing this article; because what I would like to write here in the future is this; I am going to tell you the story of my life. I know that now you are thinking, what is wrong with me why should I tell you the story of my whole life? Well it is just because I cannot tell you a fairy tale anymore, since today people don’t believe anymore in fairies or fairy tales, and really, I don’t remember most of the tales that I have been told when I was young, so I could not tell you much of a story; therefore I am going to tell you the story of my life, because that is the only story that I know better than anybody else.

Now that I have decided to tell you my whole life story, starting with this hub called, (An old man life story), which is going to be also the name of my story writings, I have also to say that there are other issues that have prompt to write my life story, the main issues are written hereunder.

Firstly, I would like to tell you dear readers that I would like to write this story of to my life, in order to compare the ways of living between these days and the old time ways; since I believe that in order to tell a story and make sense to the listener or readers there should also be a purpose for it, so, if we try to compare this old life story to today ways of living, then it may make this story more interesting for everybody.

Having said that, now I wonder what it would be like if one could go back in time like in time travel fictions, how nowadays ways of living would have affected the older generations. You see, generally speaking in the old days normally time seemed to stand still and very little changes would happen, and if anything did happen it would happen very slowly, except when there were wars or some other violent happenings, like earthquake or diseases that could kill lots of people around; whereas today everything changes very fast even when there are no wars, earthquake or disease; therefore what could be said that is new today, in a few days may be said to be old. I hope you see what I mean?

Secondly, I am going to tell you about why I feel that I have to write this story, and why I believe I have to write it. You see, I feel that every human being has a story to tell, and anyone of us could tell our own story if we attach enough importance to the story that we want to tell. So, to me it happens that I believe that by telling you my life story, not only I become satisfied that I have written my own life story, but I would also feel that I am doing humanity a good service, because something can be learned from my life story. I believe that it is the life duty of any man to try to improve anything if one can, so, let me explain the way I feel about what could or would be the duty of any man here under.

Valentine’s Day Gifts Ideas for All Types of Lovers

If it so happens you find yourself with a date on Valentine’s Day, it’s kind of the same situation as a night like New Year’s Eve — there is an unwritten rule about making the evening more special than your regular Saturday night dinner.

“For some, this means making reservations at the most exclusive restaurant in town, where you’ll enjoy a prix fixe menu, along with the “special pricing,” rushed along by your server to make way for the next enamored couple, and of course the [perfect] gift and card you spent hours selecting,” says Rosalinda Randall, a civility consultant and author.

Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? No?

Valentine’s Day is a lot of pressure, no matter where you are in the dating process. “Whether you are in a long term relationship or have been seeing a love interest for just a short amount of time, giving a gift on Valentines will always be regarded as a kind gesture and ultimately capture the hearts,” says Yolanda Williams, a professional matchmaker.

However, there are levels to your gift giving, depending upon the seriousness of your relationship. Certain gifts are permissible, while others can be giving too soon. “If you’re just meeting, buying expensive gifts can be regarded as coming on too strong. So stick to gifts that are low-key. Most women love romance. And what that simply means is it’s a gift that shows you really put some thought into it,” Williams says.

Too Soon?

“If you’re dating someone who has been dropping hints about Valentine’s since the moment you met on New Year’s Eve, you might reconsider the relationship,” Randall says. “Valentine’s Day gift-giving is really up to the gift-giver; their regard for the holiday, affection for the person, perspective on future of the relationship, and budgetary constraints.”

Make Suggestions

“Saying, ‘I want to do something fun on Valentine’s Day’ won’t cut it; it’s too subjective. Making concrete suggestions about what you want will set the tone,” says Joan Barnard, Zoosk’s relationship expert. You might say, “Wouldn’t a couples massage be fun?” or “This would be the perfect time to try that cute French restaurant.” Sharing suggestions will give your partner some parameters: how much to spend, how romantic the gift should be, etc., says Barnard.

Make sure your suggestions match the level of your relationship: If you have suggestions in mind, make sure they match where you are in your relationship and love, says Barnard. If she’s expecting a card and receives a diamond necklace, she’ll feel overwhelmed. Be realistic. Save expensive gifts for your serious established relationships, says Barnard.

1. If You’re Newly Dating

You don’t know very much about your new main squeeze yet, and this gift should be more of a token. Let her know you are thinking of her and into her — but not enough to scare her off. Keep it light and fun, but not too intimate. “Hopefully, you’ve had a couple of conversations where you listened and picked up on what they like. By the way, if they are dissatisfied with your gift because they expected more, run!” says Randall.

Potential gift ideas:

Drunken Caramels
Obviously chocolate and flowers are the classics, but up the ante a bit with these unique treats. The sweets come infused with Cabernet, Chardonnay, Guinness Stout or Bourbon.

Mixology Collection Salt Bar Gift Set
If she’s all about an after-work cocktail, she may just want to spruce up her at-home bar. These organic salts can be the finishing touch to her favorite specialty cocktails. Includes: Applewood Smoked, Black Lava, Ghost Pepper, Lemon, and Thai Ginger Sea Salts.

2. If You’re Several Months In

This gift should show a bit more consideration and understanding of who she is and what she’s into. Maybe it will be a DVD of her favorite movie, a special edition of a book she loves. Maybe you’ll buy her those shoes she’s had her eye on, or cook her favorite dinner. Whether you’re a month or a year into the relationship, spend more time doing what she loves and show that you’re willing to explore with her. “Consider what they enjoy doing: cooking — a fancy kitchen gadget or spices; active lifestyle — massage certificate; busy lifestyle — food delivery program. Something for their pooch. (That’ll score a lot of points),” Randall says.

Potential gift ideas:

Yours and Mine Toothbrush Set.
Great for the stage where you are getting to know each other and sharing spaces. It’s small but thoughtful.

Ultra Faux Fur Throw.
Because getting cozy is never a bad idea, at any stage.

3. If You’re Getting Serious…

The key here is to show you put in some thought, says Williams. By now you should know her favorite things, and know what will make her happy. “Women love gifts that mean you two will be spending quality time together. So book a couple’s spa day, a future road trip or a flight, or tickets to a show. At this stage, jewelry is always a nice gesture as well. Whatever you decide, make sure it comes from a genuine place. If she’s the girl for you, she will appreciate that more than anything,” says Williams.

Potential gift ideas:

Bijouxx Jewels Citrine Pendant in Sterling Silver
You want to show you care, but maybe you don’t want to go too crazy yet. A simple gemstone in sterling silver is thoughtful and romantic, but nowhere near a ring.

Coyuchi Sateen Terry Robe
At this time, you are spending more time at each other’s homes and you want her to feel comfortable. It’s a great time to buy her some pjs to lounge around in that aren’t just about nookie, but about feeling welcome.

Am I Naive for Thinking My Partner Will Change?

WIRE TELEGRAM: Even though a relationship can start off in a certain way, it doesn’t mean that it will be the same as time passes. On one hand, this can be seen as something that just happens as two people get to know each other better, and on the other hand, it can mean that one person was putting on an act.

Best Foot Forward

In this sense, the person someone made themselves out to be in the beginning of the relationship was nothing more than an act. This shows that while someone can put their best foot forward; they can also go as far as to deceive others.

The other person might not just be in for a small surprise; they could be in for a real shock. As to how long it will take until they realise what is happening can depend on a number of different factors.

One Factor

When the idea one has of the other person doesn’t match up with what they are like, it can be a challenge for them to face reality. If the other person was to act differently, they could end up overlooking what happens, or even see it as a one-off.

What this will show is how caught up they are in the idea they have formed in their mind. Through holding onto this idea, they can feel good; whereas if they were to let it go and to embrace reality, this might not be the case.

Another Aspect

Alternatively, one might notice that the other person has changed and this could then cause them to talk to them about what is happening. But even though they end up talking to the other person, it doesn’t mean they will get the answer they were looking for.

For one thing, the other could say that one is seeing things and that there is more to it than meets the eye, for instance. Upon hearing this, they could come to believe what has been said and this could cause them to ignore what is taking place within them.

The Short-Term

When another person begins to change, it might be possible for one to put up with their behaviour in the short-term. In this case, their behaviour is going to be different but it is not going to be so different that one can no longer stay with the other person.

This could be because there are still other sides to them that they value, and this will then allow the relationship to continue. However, even though this could be the case in the short-term, it doesn’t mean it will be in the long-term.

A Problem

What they could overlook at one point in time could be what they are unable to overlook at another. Once they are at this point, it is not going to be possible for them to overlook what is taking place.

However, if another person’s behaviour was to completely change, it might not be possible for them to put up with their behaviour in the short-term. When this happens, it can be a sign that another person has ended up being abusive.

Dangerous

In this case, it is going to be dangerous for them to stay with the other person and it will then be important for them to walk away. If they were to stay with them, not only will it have a negative effect on their well-being; it could also mean that their physical body will also be harmed.

Therefore, the sooner they leave the other person, the sooner they will be able to put an end to what is taking place. So whether one is with someone who is abusive or not, it will be important for them to take action.

One Approach

On one hand, they could talk to the other person and end up being dismissed or told that they are getting worked up for no reason, and on the other hand, they could end up hearing the complete opposite. When this happens, they may say that they will change their behaviour.

Through hearing this, one could then come to believe what they hear and they could believe that will only be a matter of time before they do. Before long, they may start to see that the other person was actually telling the truth.

The Same Old Story

At the same time, the other person could say they will change and as time passes, one could find that they are still the same. If they were to tell them that they have had enough and/or that they are going to leave, for instance, they may be told that they need more time or that this time it will be different.

In the beginning, it can be easy for one to believe what they hear, but as time passes, they will start to see that the other person’s behaviour doesn’t match up with the words that come out of their mouth. So if they were to go along with what they hear and to deny what they see, they will be setting themselves up to suffer unnecessarily.

Resistance

They may find that they are able to walk away but at the same time, they may find that part of them doesn’t want to leave the other person. This part of them could believe that they will change if they are given enough time.

If this happens, one is not going to working with themselves; they are going to be working against themselves. It is then going to be important for them to let go of their need to delude themselves and to face reality.

Awareness

When it comes to their mental, emotional and physical health, it will be in their best interest to leave the other person. This is not to say that one has to do this by themselves though, as they can be assisted by therapist and/or a support group.

Through their help, one can gradually begin to face reality and during this time, they may find that they are carrying pain from the past that needs to be processed.