Medical phobia that might not have a name

wire-telegram-medical-phobia

I have had a debilitating relationship with doctors and, by extent, anything medical related ever since I was a child and it’s only progressively getting worse. I have never willingly gone to a doctor. I was forced through routine check-ups as a minor, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone to a doctor since becoming an adult.

The implication, no matter how small, of being sick is enough to regularly send me into a downward spiral of paranoid thoughts of having my control taken away and being hospitalized. The amount of panic that I often experience leads to disorganized thoughts of wanting to kill myself to avoid hospitalization. If this doesn’t go treated I fear that I will spend the rest of my life dodging doctors and ultimately cutting my life short. I have a partner I hope to marry one day and a nephew on the way.

I desperately want to get better, but how do I do that when I’m afraid of the people with the best chance of helping me?

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