I dated this guy from when I was 19-21, on and off for 2-3 years. He was the first person in my life that ever spoke to me straight from his heart. He wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, and drastically changed my perspectives about how to communicate when it comes to feelings.
We broke up. He moved abroad to study. We’d reached a point where he would call me up multiple times a day because he wanted to stay connected even tho he was abroad.
He made many attempts to reach out to me over the course of the next few years. I was seeing someone else so I quickly shot him down.
2 years ago. I was 28 then. He came to my city and we met. We had the most amazing evening together. We spoke like best friends, had drinks, and towards the end of the night we opened up the conversation about our relationship. He’d put a nail on that coffin and moved on a while ago, he said.
When I was leaving, we kissed. For like 10 seconds. That kiss ripped open a wound that I wasn’t aware existed in me. It felt like he’d reached in, touched my heart, and scrubbed off all the dust I’d gathered over the years. I felt something inside my heart. It was unlike anything I’d experienced for a long long time.
After that, he’s been overseas again. We’re both in different countries and even tho we talked a couple of times, we kept it brief and didn’t touch relationship-zone. I sent him an email letting him know how I felt. He didn’t respond, not sure if he ever saw it.
Now. I’m 30. He just got married. I saw his photo with his new wife on Facebook. I knew he was getting married a few months ago, I didn’t think it would actually happen.
I cried yesterday for a long time. I am sad. This hurts a lot. It’s what could have been.
I started letting him go. Some of my passwords for all these years have been the numerics of his name. I have to change my passwords now. And that’s a bit hard for me to do. It’s like admitting that I gave up on something without really giving it my all.
And I hate admitting that. It’s a hard hard thing for me to say.
Somewhere inside me is still a person who’s determined to get together with him. Maybe in the future, 10 years from now. I still want to wait. I’m afraid to be with anyone else because I don’t know that they will fill the hole that he’s left in my life.
I needed to vent, I’m still working through my options emotionally. I will update when I’ve made changes to my life to reflect my emotional healing.
Thanks for reading this far. I’d love to know how you dealt with lingering regret of a breakup.